I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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