There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
