I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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