I'm so fucking centered right now
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
