I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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