what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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