The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
