is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
