I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
