I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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