I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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