My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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