She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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