ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
