I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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