Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
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John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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