i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
