I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
