He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
