Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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