sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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