Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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