Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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