just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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