They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If I die, sorry about rent.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
