she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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