ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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