sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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