i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
