I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"