apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."