Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
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For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
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I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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