I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
