my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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