guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
