R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
