i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
