She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
