I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
