So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
