You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
