there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
