Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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