I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
