her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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