Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
