Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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