She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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