Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Randomize
