I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Randomize
