I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
