Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
