the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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