I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
