when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
