What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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