Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
