Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
