she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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