I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
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Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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