im six kinds of drunk right now
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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