I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
MIDGETS
????
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
