Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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